An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through the service, the husband leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart ....  What do you think I should do?"

The wife replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,  "OK old timer, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
 The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

 Don't mess with us old Timers - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Subject: Fw: The stuff we have to put up with....
>
>Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
>just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
>Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
>Customer: Yeah....
>Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
>Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
>player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>Female customer: A white one...
>
>===============
>
>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
>Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
>Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
>still on my desk... sorry....
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
>Customer: Your left or my left?
>
>============== =
>
>Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
>Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
>Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
>Gates, damn it!
>
>===============
>
>Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
>I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
>placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
>find it...
>
>===============
>
>Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
>Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
>
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
>Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket.
>
>===============
>
>Customer: My keyboard is not w orking anymore.
>Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>Customer: OK
>Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
>Customer: Yes
>Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
>another keyboard?
>Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
>capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
>Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>
>===============
>
>Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
>Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
>Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coll eague do it.
>Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
>Customer: Five stars.
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
>Customer: Netscape.
>Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
>Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
>===============
>
>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
>my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
>
>===============
>
>Tech support: How may I help you?
>Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
>Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
>the circle around it?
>
>===============
>
>A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
>printer.
>Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
>Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
>The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
>printer is working fine."
>
>===============
>
>And last but not least:....
>
>Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
>same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
>type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
>Customer: I don't have a P.
>Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
>Customer: What do you mean?
>Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
>Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
As you perhaps know I have had some problems with my machine......herewith a letter sent to technical support to see if they can help, as you can see I've been through the mill!!

Albear


Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,
Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Please help!

This one will have you laughing all the way to your loft.

Enjoy 

Subject: Fw: Nymphomaniacs convention

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo!
She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention  for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?", "University Lecturer", she responded. "I have carried out  extensive research that rejects some of the most popular myths about male sexuality." Really?" he smiled, "What myths are they?" "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the lovers with the greatest stamina, when actually it is men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

"Patrick", the man said. "Patrick Shaun  Papadopoulos….but all my close friends call me Tonto."